Fan Violence: A Symptom of a Societal Problem

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Cyber bullying, gossip, backstabbing, bickering, catty behavior, mean mommy in the minivan, dad screaming on the sidelines of a youth game, office politics, ‘reality’ TV, bench clearing brawls, beating someone because they support a rival team… All examples of people not knowing how to handle negative emotions and engage in productive conflict; it is becoming an epidemic.

Dr. Robyn Odegaard

Dr. Robyn Odegaard

We have accepted that disagreements often escalate into physical violence. Turn on the TV at almost any time and you can find a ‘reality’ program that shows the meanest, most hateful person succeeding and getting ahead.  Is it really any wonder this behavior is spilling over into our stadium parking lots?  We are allowing stupid behavior to become the new normal.  Fortunately, we have the ability (and I believe, the responsibility) to change it.

I am going to break something shocking to you – the tirades people go on are driven by feelings and the inability to manage them, not logic or facts. When did feelings become the ‘F’ word while the real f-bomb is dropped without a thought?  How are we supposed to learn what to do with negative feelings?  Who teaches this stuff?  Somewhere along the way we have forgotten to teach our young people how to have a disagreement without being rude, disrespectful and throwing a tantrum.

Why does it matter?  Well aside from general human decency (which I think is a pretty big issue), knowing how to use productive conflict and engage in a professional disagreement has been shown to lead to greater success.  And success leads to more happiness and usually higher income.  Need evidence?  See here, here, here and here.

What are we going to do about it?  Well I don’t know about you, but I founded the Stop The Drama! Campaign to show people from junior high through CEOs how to understand what they are feeling and to use language powerfully to move toward resolution rather than epic meltdown.  You can call it organizational development, team building, professional coaching or team psychology.  Whatever label you put on it the bottom line is this – grownups who are able to act like grownups are going to get further in life.  I am not suggesting people suppress their feelings.  In fact I teach exactly the opposite.  We all can benefit by learning how to express ourselves productively rather than using the volcano method (push it down until the pressure is so great it explodes).

Let me start by defining ‘Productive Conflict’ – The act of addressing and handling a disagreement or misunderstanding using an established set of healthy communication guidelines which lead to resolution (from the book Stop the Drama!).

Here are a few steps for preparing to engage in productive conflict (even if the person you are speaking to does not understand the foundation of it).

  1. Know what you need to achieve with the conversation.  Productive conflict isn’t about winning or losing.  It is about reaching a resolution.   Ask yourself – what is my end goal and do I really need to have this conversation?
  2. Understand and remove any preconceived ideas you have about why the other person did what they did.  Small children know you can’t understand why something happens unless you ask.  As adults we stop asking why and start making it up.  It is important to enter a discussion with a blank slate.
  3. Know your timeout point.  All of us have buttons that can get pushed.  Know when you have reached the point where you are fighting rather than discussing and take a timeout.  As I always say, just because a conversation starts to go downhill doesn’t mean you have to go with it.
  4. Now you are ready to implement the actual steps of productive conflict in this post: We Need More Conflict in Our Lives!

These steps are a foundation to managing emotion and engaging in productive conflict.  If there weren’t competitors, if there was no such thing as rivalries, sports wouldn’t exist. There is no reason to be hateful, condescending or rude to someone because of the team they support.  Recognize when rivalry is going too far and walk away.  Shrug and say, “We’ll see”.  The skills you employ could save your life if your rival is part of the no-holds-barred epidemic of conflict management.